Turn it around: If your crush secretly liked you, wouldn't you want to know?

Yes, that's probably a best-case scenario, but all in all, there's no rational point in keeping a crush secret. It's better to let them know how you feel. That doesn't mean confessing your undying affection in a drooling, creepy-stalker way. It means being encouraging and friendly and flirtatious. Show, don't tell. That allows for a more natural progression.

Keeping it a secret is certainly easier (in terms of bravery). But what is the point of liking someone as more than a friend if neither of you even has the chance to benefit from those feelings? From experience, a secret crush makes you feel alternately miserable and elated, but mostly miserable. You can't get over them. You can't move on. You just stay in that crush-zone, clinging to the hope that secretly they like you too. So you're miserable. And your crush has no idea, so they can't even be flattered. No good comes out of secrecy.

Instead of oscillating between abject gloom and delirious elation, wouldn't it be better to ground yourself in reality before keeping the crush secret starts to turn you into someone else entirely? People can't really hide what they feel without hiding themselves. And if you're not being yourself, then the chances that your crush is going to see and appreciate you are nil. And that defeats the entire purpose.

So, be yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and express those feelings in a healthy, balanced way.

I can't really explain why it's happened, but I have decided to drop TG.

Nothing different happened. He paid me pretty much the same kind and level of attention. I felt singled out a few times, and felt comfortable. But it wasn't enough. Maybe it's because the whole thing feels stagnated. I can get to this point in a relationship pretty easily. It's getting past this stage that I simply cannot do. I wanted something more than what I managed to get. For a long time, I didn't know why and I blamed the world for getting stuck.

Then D said, "You have to know what it is you want, then it will come."

And suddenly, it made perfect sense. I don't know what I want. I had danced around that realization for quite a while, putting it off and giving it little importance. Now, though, I think maybe it is important.

I tell myself I want a relationship, but the thought of a serious relationship baffles me on one hand, and terrifies me on the other. I can't see myself trusting a guy enough to believe he really cares about me. There are too many doubts in my mind - about guys' abilities to actually feel for me the way I have felt about them, about my ability to be myself when it matters instead of pretending to be what I think they want me to be. I'm afraid to open up enough for it to be serious. I'm afraid I'll be used, or tricked and laughed at afterward. And then I'd be crushed.

If I offer the real me and it is rejected, could I deal with that? It's easier to offer a facade. That rejection can be rationalized not to hurt so much.

So the first step is to be me, in a take it or leave it kind of way. In a for-myself way. And in an alone way.

Having friends is different from having a boyfriend. It's a completely different kind of affection. I'm not talking about being alone by shutting myself off from friends and social settings. I'm talking about being me, without a guy, and not looking for a guy.

Of course, I still want a relationship. But I am tired of feeling like I am the only one trying, of feeling like I am serving as an ego boost more than anything else. I don't want to be one of many. I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to be ignored, or overlooked, or back-up, or an after-thought. I don't want to feel small or stupid. So I know what I don't want.

Now, I will be Ted Alone until I find out what it is that I want.

Yesterday, I was thinking perhaps I had misread TG. I don't think that today. At least, not yet I don't.

Thankfully, Pick-On-Ted day was officially over on Wednesday, so I was spared the hot seat in my classes. At work, I was assigned the super-important and sophisticated task of copying, resizing, cutting, and pasting (with an actual glue stick) the faces of students in a large lecture onto the seating chart. No doubt this is a further measure the prof is taking to enable her to use the dreaded Socratic method. It was actually my Civ Pro class. So now I know what everyone looks like and their names, even though I've not met all of them. I honestly don't try to be a stalker... It is forced upon me.

My roommate's boyfriend came to take back his car yesterday. He seems nice, but has a weird voice. Roommate need not feel threatened by me! So while he was around, they kind of took over the common area, so I ate in my room. That's totally ok with me. I got to read more Undead and Unwed. I like silly and sexy vampire books. But I am a vampire purist at heart.

My plan appeared to be to throw myself at the mercy of my roommate and her boyfriend in terms of getting to and from Bar Review. Unbeknownst to me, they were planning to go to dinner and I would have had to be the third wheel or not go to bar review... But luck was on my side. By mentioning the event and saying I wanted to go, I had apparently convinced D that she should go and that she should drive me. Perhaps I have vampiric mind powers...
 
So it was on! I commenced the getting-ready ritual. That involves dancing around to music played through headphones and freshening up my make-up look. My roommate introduced me to these amazing oil-blotting sheets. They are fabulous. Somehow, they soak up the excess oil on your skin without smudging your make up. Truly a gift from above. Check em out!

I made myself tolerably "evening", which for me means putting on some eyeshadow. Anything more and I look like a zombie clown. Then we were off. D is awesome. She still has to wear a brace for her knee, but now she can bend it enough to drive. I call her gimpy because she said it was ok.

When we got to the billiards hall/bar and there was basically no one there that I knew. But people knew me. I have become somewhat of a celebrity because of that whole pick-on-ted day experience. People actually came up to me and said, "Hey, Ted, omg i saw you in torts! That was nuts, etc."

And then, TG came in. It was his birthday and I had figured he'd have better plans, you know, maybe with friends from undergrad. I don't remember how we ended up standing together. Maybe we gravitate? Or I do... Or he does. In any case, we ended up together. And TG is a pool enthusiast. So we decided to play. D is also pretty into pool. As are J and Z, TG's friends. I, however, am not. I'm pretty bad, or so I thought, considering to guys had tried and given up teaching me. TG did not. And he made learning very fun.

He's left handed, so he couldn't help me in the traditional movie manner, leaning over me from behind. Instead, he stood next to me, pressed up all alongside me, with one arm over me. He's really warm. I was distracted and didn't learn too well when he did that. But when he helped me line up the shots, I did pretty well. Actually, in a later game when I was asked to take a celebrity shot and ended up getting a ball in, I had to shoot on the 8 ball. AND IT WENT IN. BEAUTIFULLY. I jumped up and down like a little girl. And got several hugs from my partner, P (a guy).

Actually, a lot of guys were touching me. Casually, of course. I didn't have to slap anyone. I guess my don't-you-dare-touch-me aura has somewhat dissipated. In fact, I gave several hugs, and even hugged TG. But I don't remember it too well. Was too preoccupied with trying to be normal about it... Maybe it was my cute shirt. This happened a lot while I had drifted away from TG. He was talking to some other group, mostly girls and I was over with D and P and other people. After I got the ball in without TG's help, I went over, even though he was talking to a girl, and touched his arm (I actually did it!) to get his attention. Then I went back. And he kept looking over, I saw him. But I was having fun with my other friends, flirting with P and joking with D.

We didn't really come back together before D and I decided it was time to go. It was after 1:00 in the morning. So we headed out and almost forgot to pay out the tab and get her credit card back... This series of events brought us outside when everyone we'd been talking to was standing on the sidewalk outside. I still didn't talk to TG. No opportunity. We said goodbye to the group again and went around the corner to the car.

Then I heard someone call my name like a foghorn. It was TG, coming around the corner after us. He asked if we wanted to go to his place for one more drink (of water in D's case...). D seemed like she'd rather go home, so we both made dissenting noises. TG laughed a little and asked if he could just have a ride home, then. D and I cracked up and D agreed and said we might as well go in, if that was what was going on. Later we wondered why he didn't go home with J and Z, since Z was his ride there, lives near him, and never drinks. It is a mystery.

His place is really nice. As in, really really nice. It's new and has two floors. I feel like the poor student I am. But, seriously, the most interesting things happened after I thought the night was over. Talking with just D and TG was really fun, way more intimate and cool.

And when we were getting up to leave, he finally asked for my number. He did it in a bit of a round about way, and sounding more nervous than he usually does, which is not hard. I handed him my phone and the goon put himself in as "TG the Great." There's already someone with his name in my phone... haha!

So, yes. We have progressed, I think. Sure we're not hot and heavy, but I don't want to go that route. Been down that road before (in slightly different circumstances) and it left me wanting something more. I'm terribly picky. I simply want it all, without anything bad, of course. How hard is that...?

Unfortunately, a hurricane is now on the way to drench the weekend and perhaps my evening plans. We'll see, but I might be confined tonight. And even though TG has my number, there is no guarantee he'll ever use it. I'm holding out hope, though!

By the way, I thought this icon looked familiar... And now I realize why. My cousin took this picture for a photo contest! Small world. Ain't she talented?